The Communist Party of St. Petersburg recently issued a statement to Russian children in which it warned them against the imperialist intentions of the CIA stooge, Santa Claus. (Seriously.)
Fortunately, Russia’s ever vigilant president, Vladimir Putin, is already on the case, as the below correspondence (intercepted by Santa Claus’s imperialist intelligence service) reveals.
Dear Vlad,
Would you happen to know the whereabouts of Viktor Yanukovych? I haven’t heardfromhim in over a year.
Respectfully,
Santa
Mr. “Santa Claus”:
Are you a head of state? No, you are not. Is the North Pole a state? No, it is not. You will henceforth address me as The Honorable Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, and demonstrate the requisite respect for the greatness of my country.
There are several issues to which I would like to draw your attention:
First, I have been informed that your sleighs and reindeer have repeatedly violated Russian airspace. If you do not cease these unwarranted violations of our sovereignty, I shall have no choice but to adopt the appropriate defensive measures. Remember that Russian troops could be in the North Pole in two days. Moreover, please be forewarned that we fully understand that the incessant jingling that accompanies your alleged “sleigh rides” is intended to scramble our air defense systems. I suggest you cease forthwith.
Second, it has come to our attention that the language and culture of Russian-speaking elves are being violated systematically. Your dictatorial regime (we are fully aware that you were never elected but seized power in a coup) forbids Russian-language schools, Russian-language media, and Russian-language arts. If you do not cease your crass violations of the inalienable rights of your persecuted Russian minority, I shall have no choice but to apply the appropriate defensive measures. By the same token, your insistence that English be mandatory throughout the territory you rule is a violation of the European Charter on Minority Languages and must be revoked.
Third, I would like to inform you that the North Pole is sacred Russian territory. It is a well-known fact that Holy Russia brought Christianity to the North Pole many centuries before you seized power, mobilized fascist and neo-Nazi elves, and inflicted social genocide upon the aboriginal Russian inhabitants. The Russian Federation will defend its interests—and it will especially defend its sacred interests—regardless of the imperialist ambitions of you and your neo-Nazi allies.
Fourth, it has come to my attention that you intend to join NATO. Russia cannot permit the extension of a hostile alliance that snubs Russian interests and pride in a region of strategic and sacred importance to all Russians. Please be advised that the emplacement of NATO troops, ships, and long-range rockets on the North Pole will not be tolerated. If Russian-speaking elves fearful of American imperialism appeal to Mother Russia for help, we shall be compelled to respond with all necessary measures, including sending little green elves as emissaries of peace.
Fifth, it has come to my attention that you intend to sign an Association Agreement with the European Union. Please be aware that such an action will be deemed hostile by Russia, which will be forced to respond accordingly. Needless to say, your ability to distribute your one and only export—what you preposterously claim are mere “gifts”—depends overwhelmingly on a duty-free regime with Russia and lax customs controls. I strongly urge you to consider joining the Eurasian Union, which will open up new markets to you in democratic Russia, Belarus, Kazakhstan, and Armenia.
Sixth, the solution to all your crass violations of democracy, human rights, and international legal norms is obvious. Convene your ruling bodies and formally request that the Russian Federation accept the North Pole as an autonomous republic with the same status as Holy Crimea. I am certain that the Federation Council will accede to your request.
Mr. Claus, permit me to speak frankly and sincerely: that move would open up great vistas for you and your land. There is a strong possibility of your being appointed prime minister of the Russian Federation. In turn, Dmitri Medvedev could assume your current position. Few would notice the difference. Your elves would have access to the wonders of Russian civilization—everything from Valery Gergiev to Russia Today TV. Due to their size, they would of course be exempted from military service. On the other hand, I see great opportunities for them in the secret service, where size does not matter. Naturally, you will be well advised to change your name: Sergei Clausov would be my recommendation.
Mr. Clausov (if I may), the Russian Federation and the North Pole can be friends, or they can be enemies. The choice is yours.
Respectfully,
Vladimir Putin,
President of the Russian Federation
P.S. Viktor Yanukovych insists you are a fascist coup-plotter and asks that you cease hunting him.
Dear Mr. President,
Thank you for your kind offer, but my elves have voted unanimously to move the North Pole to Ukraine, on the grounds that the North Pole is an imagined community that can be located anywhere. President Poroshenko informs me that we shall be able to use Mr. Yanukovych’s former estate in Mezhyhirya gratis. Frankly, I’m tired of the ice, and Ukraine, I’m told, is on the verge of a major thaw. (I’m also told that Russia is on the verge of a major meltdown, so congratulations to you are presumably in order.) The elves are looking forward to pepper vodka and pierogis. Rudolph says he can’t wait to bathe in the Dnipro River.
Naturally, you and your countrymen are welcome to the ice cap. Poroshenko said that may be your last refuge, but I’m not at all sure what he meant.
Best,
Serhii Clausenko
