These top-secret letters were brought to my attention by my deep-throat contact in the Kremlin. They appeared just after the Orthodox Christmas on January 7.
To: V. Putin
From: S. Claus
You’ve been decidedly naughty this year, and I’m not at all sure you deserve any presents. Unless some persuasive justification is forthcoming, the reindeer and I won’t be visiting you in the Kremlin.
***
To: So-called “Santa” Klaus
From: The President of Russia
Your lies disgust me. I’m not surprised, though, given your Turkish birthplace, German name, and American sexual orientation. If you were a real man, you’d get rid of that ridiculous costume and show the world your bare chest. What real man hides behind an army of midgets?
***
To: V. Putin
From: Santa Claus
Your invective is unappreciated—and unworthy of a statesman. Shame on you. By the way, I’ve just finished reading two books about you: a novel, Vovochka, and a biography, The New Tsar. Neither paints a terribly flattering picture of you. If any of what they say about you is true, naughty doesn’t even come close to describing your character. Have you considered what you’re doing—to yourself, to your legacy, to your people? I pray for you.
***
To: S. Klaus
From: V. Putin
Listen to me, Klaus, because I will say this only once. The authors of those so-called books are well-known fascists. If you agree with their perverted views, then you are a fascist. If you wonder what we Russian democrats do to German fascists like you, read a book about the Great Fatherland War. As to my people, they love me. And I love them. And all of us love our dear Mother Russia, and she in turn loves us. You and your fascist-imperialist-homosexual buddies have no idea what true love is, Klaus. As to your so-called gifts, keep them. Or give them to the effeminate Ottoman clique in Ankara. Meanwhile, I recommend you read my just-published Words that Are Changing the World: Key Citations from Vladimir Putin. It’s already a best-seller. We’ve printed 300 million copies, so that every Russian has two, one for the home, one for the heart.
***
To: V. Putin
From: Santa Claus
I noticed you didn’t mention the Ukrainians. Aren’t they fascists, according to you? As to your book, I think I’ll wait for it to be remaindered.
***
To: S. Klaus
From: V. Putin
You are beginning to tire me, Klaus. Of course, the Little Russians are fascists. As are the Americans, Turks, Israelis, Germans, Poles, Canadians, British, Estonians, Latvians, Lithuanians, and many, many others. Your elves are also fascists. Unfortunately, fascism rules the day in most of the world outside Russia. But we Russians are used to it. We shall overcome—especially now that my book has finally seen the light of day.
***
To: Vovochka
From: Santa
My elves laughed and laughed after I read them your letter. They say you’re the funniest statesman they’ve ever encountered. I told them you were being serious, but they refused to believe me. “That Poot is a hoot,” they say. My elves know a jokester when they see one, so I’ve decided they may just be right. We’re hoping you’ll agree to visit the North Pole and do your stand-up routine. With Medvedev, of course. He’s your straight man, right?
***
To: Santa
From: Vovochka
My dear Comrade Santa!
What an excellent idea! Me and Medvedev gladly accept your invitation. We shall arrive in exactly twenty-four hours along with my personal entourage of little green elves and a humanitarian convoy of trucks laden with Turkish, European, and Ukrainian vegetables and thousands of copies of my Words that Are Changing the World. Have you ever had Syrian halvah? We’ve got tons of the stuff. Keep the vodka chilled, Santa. I think we’re going to have a ball. As to my straight man, please note that all Russians are straight men. Oh, and one more thing. I’ll also bring you a calendar featuring photos of me every month. That way, you’ll never forget my deep and abiding love for you.
